Monday I came down with a cold. My husband is in the thick of a very challenging season at work. My 4-year-old has been so full of anger the past month it’s been like parenting a ticking time bomb. My seven-year-olds new thing is complaining about everything. The sun hasn’t shone in 6 days. There are toys and paper and crumbs everywhere. I lost my temper again this morning. My sinuses are pounding. I feel like a fraud.
It’s Wednesday and I have run out of silver linings.
And I know I’m not alone and yet it feels so isolating. It’s a heavy weight on our shoulders knowing there is no hero riding in to save the day. It’s just us. And we are tired.
*sigh*
So I’m writing this for me and for every parent out there: how to be a parent when things are really really really hard.
The other day I found myself crying over and over during a reality baking show.
The past week my 6-year-old has been quite prickly. She’s picking fights with her sister. She’s been less cooperative and easily combative. Getting ready for bed, getting ready for school or leaving the house anytime, has become quite fraught. I’ve been doing ‘all the things’ reducing separation, quality playtime, welcoming feelings, holding boundaries, controlling the environment etc. But not much has changed.
You’re handed your baby and BAM - instant transformation. Some mysterious combination of instincts and hormones suddenly bestows you with all the knowledge and skills needed to be a mother. That’s it. There is just ‘before you were a mother’ and ‘mother’. It doesn’t matter if you’ve never changed a diaper, know nothing about breastfeeding or never held a baby before
After a busy holiday season, back-to-back illnesses and children exhausted from starting school, my husband and I locked eyes during a particularly long and fraught bedtime with our two daughters. We didn’t say anything but you could read the silence: it shouldn’t be so hard!? When does it get easier? How can they possibly need SO much?
“We watched no TV today!” I’d announce to my husband as if waiting for a gold star. It certainly felt like a massive accomplishment, 12 hours of parenting 2 kids under 4 in the middle of winter. But there was no gold star, just my own sense of achievement or sometimes my own sense of utter exhaustion and simmering resentment as my needs we relegated to the bottom of the list yet again.
Screentime is an excellent illustration of the modern parenting dilemma. It comes down to this equation:
Tired parents in need of support
A lifetime's worth of highly captivating and addictive children’s entertainment
Constant reminders of the dangers of screentime
It’s a lose/lose, you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t.
Something always felt off about this industry and I could never quite put my finger on it. I suppose I didn’t want to see it. Because I wanted to believe, like most, that if I followed all the tips and hacks shared in perfectly curated videos that I’d do it! That I’d be the calm, got it together mom who was the perfect blend of playful and firm, who didn’t need any help, who meal planned but was also spontaneous, who worked but not too much, with well behaved kids who ate vegetables and never watched tv and always said please and thank you, who were wild and creative but also obedient (but not too obedient) and of course slept through the night.
Many days parenting will strain your nervous system to the absolute edge. Two small children crying at the same time, dirty dishes as far as the eye can see, dinner that needs to be made and jobs with unending demands. Waiting for a proper break is just not an option. Amidst this chaos, I’ve found little moments of spaciousness when I find myself breathing deeper and feeling softer. These are 3 ways I soothe my nervous system day to day.
Six plus year of parenting and our household had managed to avoid the dreaded HFM (hand foot and mouth) disease. When our streak came to an end two weeks ago, it wasn’t due to my daycare attending 3-year-old, no, I was the one to succumb. I figured I’d bounce back quickly, that the worst would be over in 24 to 48 hours. In reality, 13 days later, I’m still recovering.
Being sick for so long gave me a lot of time to just think. As humans, we are always trying to make sense of life. Why did this happen to me? What is the point of this? What did I learn? And while I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, I have a few takeaways to share.
Growing up in the country, at 13 I was babysitting for all the neighbourhood families. I changed diapers, prepared bottles, handled bedtimes and even wrangled a family of 7! My husband, as a teen, babysat for over a dozen families on his street in north Toronto.
Today, many parents confess no one has ever cared for their children, except for maybe Grandma. It’s not uncommon to hear parents haven’t had a child-free night out in years!
When this opportunity presented itself, I was thrilled. And also terrified of how I might squander this rare treasure
I felt the impulse to make plans - and yet I hesitated. The expectation to be anywhere at a certain time felt entirely too much. I felt the pull to be alone. And so somewhat guiltily, I told no one.
After a sweet tearful goodbye and the car was safely out of sight, I sat down, stared at a blank piece of paper and wrote:
