SOS: When parenting is really really really hard
Monday I came down with a cold. My husband is in the thick of a very challenging season at work. My 4-year-old has been so full of anger the past month it’s been like parenting a ticking time bomb. My seven-year-olds new thing is complaining about everything. The sun hasn’t shone in 6 days. There are toys and paper and crumbs everywhere. I lost my temper again this morning. My sinuses are pounding. I feel like a fraud.
It’s Wednesday and I have run out of silver linings.
I know I’m not alone and yet it feels so isolating. It’s a heavy weight on our shoulders, knowing there is no hero riding in to save the day.
It’s just us.
And we are tired.
*sigh*
So I’m writing this for me and for every parent out there:
How to be a parent when things are really really really hard.
Cry
If you only do one step - let it be this one.
All the tricks and tips in the world won’t change the fact that this is hard. Period. Crying gives us a chance to say, “Things didn’t turn out the way I wanted” And from here we can start again. The rainbow only comes after the rain.
Triage needs
Get clear on what everyone in the family needs and how urgent. If you are parenting young kids you know: needs don’t keep - they escalate!
For example, my 4-year-old is struggling with a lot of anger. That need doesn’t keep well and it’s creating a bottleneck in addressing anything else. Committing to 15 minutes of rough-and-tumble play every day may then buy me the cooperation and calm necessary to tend to other members of my family and myself. (trust me, this isn’t what I feel like doing - but I also know it’s worth it)
Get back to basics
There are some things we can control. Sleep, nutritional needs, getting outside, moving my body: these are practical things I can attend to and ensure I have a cushy or at least decent window of tolerance.
Remember with children it’s about controlling the environment - not the outcome. I can offer balanced meals and have a solid bedtime routine but I can’t control what they eat or when they fall asleep.
Quality time (which is essentially playtime for kids) is something I consider a basic need. When our relationships are out of alignment everything suffers. If there was ever a time to commit to a special time routine - this. is. it. (new to special time or need a refresher? - grab my free guide)
Call in support
This is a tricky one. I think we all have a vision of grandparents swooping in and fixing it all, but it’s rarely that simple.
Hopefully, some ideas have popped up about what would qualify as true support.
Saying No to work or social commitments
Booking a therapy appointment or connecting with a friend who is a good listener
Having groceries or meals delivered or outsourcing a chore when financially feasible
Asking family, friends or hiring a babysitter for more childcare help
If your child’s behaviour is the bottleneck, consider working with a parent coach
And that’s it.
I feel the glimmer of my silver lining returning.
I hope you do too.
xo,
Heather
(If not, repeat step 1 as many times as necessary. If you need help getting the tears flowing, Upworthy never disappoints!)