I'm not enjoying this - pandemic parenting confessions

“I’m not enjoying this.”

I’ve listened to parents share variations of these feelings and I’ve nodded along in understanding, because I’ve felt like that as well. And I ached, to offer something that might be helpful beyond solidarity. Because while parenting is hard, I believe we need those moments of connection and joy. 

I also believe it’s not that easy. You start the day with the best of intentions, I won’t yell, I’ll play, we will have fun! But then your toddler yells at you for cutting his pancake, you spend 15 minutes in a diaper change standoff, your preschooler tries to kick you when you turn off the tv -  and just like that, your frustration boils over onto everyone around you. And it just keeps happening. 

To be clear, it’s normal that we are feeling frustrated because we are parenting in a pandemic in a society that already didn’t support families. Setting that aside for a moment, I want to talk about how to manage that frustration; because when we are full of frustration, it’s really hard to connect with our kids. Even with the best of intentions, it’s not long before something pushes us over the edge and we are back to losing our cool. So once we’ve acknowledged the frustration is there, we have to find a way to express it! Skipping this step and pushing ourselves to feel calm and content just means that frustration will burst back out again.

So I’m a big fan of play and I’m currently taking a course on play and attachment and this quote from Dr. Neufeld jumped out at me, “You need to take that frustration out to play.”

Play! I know, play, uhg. Play can seem pretty inaccessible right now. But I’m not talking about more imaginary Paw Patrol rescue play, but play as a space to safely express your emotions. Because that is what play can do; provide a safe space to express feelings that would otherwise hurt our relationships. 

Our options are limited right now, but a half hour drive where I sing/cry/scream to Alanis sounds pretty amazing! Basically, think about whatever angsty thing you did as a teenager and come up with a COVID safe adult version. So in addition to my Alanis singalong I’ll be choreographing contemporary dance routines to Tori Amos. 

Joking aside, the frustration we feel as parents is real and needs a safe place to be expressed. Setting aside even half an hour a week to tend to this, is something we need and deserve. A run, a hard workout, singing, dancing, creating art, a good vent and cry with a friend, tearing up recycling in your garage - all are options that may work. If this doesn’t feel accessible even watching a show or reading a story where we can feel these feelings once removed can work.

Safely letting some of the frustration out will hopefully leave space for something else and let you reclaim moments of joy and connection.