Why Won't My Toddler Sleep? The Truth with Shock you!
2 minute read
I once googled, “What time should a 2-year-old go to bed?
A small voice in my head said, “Surely the internet can’t tell you when your child should go to bed!? There are too many variables!”
But if you have a question - the internet has an answer! Usually, something very clearly defined with no grey area. 8 PM is a much more attractive answer than,
“Maybe 8 PM, but it depends on how long they nap...if they nap...and also what time they got up in the morning, and also how much activity they had, how much screen time, how much connection time, whether they are going through any big changes like a new sibling or starting daycare and also...how did they eat today? Are they going through any big leaps in development? Are they sick or recovering from sickness? Or are they a lower sleep total kid that just doesn’t need 11 or 12 hours of sleep no matter what you do? Or are they highly sensitive and are just going to take longer to settle no matter what the heck you do! So anywhere between 7 and 10 pm is more than likely...”
Yes, no tired parent, google searching over their cold coffee, grasping at the last straws of their sanity, wants to read that answer!
While I’m kind of joking, I’m also kind of serious. If you are struggling with sleep - sweeping generalizations of ‘all kids should be sleeping 12 uninterrupted hours a night, starting at 7 PM’ aren’t going to help you.
Let’s get some help from science. The results from this 2019 study of toddlers and cognitive development is very insightful. Here are some stats from the 493 toddlers who were observed at 30, 36 and 42 months:
Average bedtime: 8:50 PM
Average night wakings lasting 5 minutes or more: ~4 (not all night wakings required parent support)
Average length of longest wake: 27 minutes
Average time actually sleeping: ~8.5 hours
Did you just spit out your coffee in shock? Did a weight of relief fall off your shoulders? These statistics show a much different picture than the gold standard 7-7 routine we are sold.
Also, it’s worth noting the researchers did not find that sleep difficulties played a causal role in cognitive deficits.
My takeaway:
if your child appears rested and content
if you have a reasonably consistent routine
If your child has access to a safe, comfortable sleep environment
Give yourself permission to follow a routine and schedule that suits your family!
Chances are, your toddler is very normal! But this doesn’t mean you can’t improve things. Bedtimes can be shifted, night wakings can be reduced. It’s when we let go of impossible ideals that a much better solution opens up.
If you’re curious about how you can get more rest for you and your toddler, while still being responsive - please join me for my workshop this month.
Good Nights+ A Toddler Sleep Workshop
I will give you the honest information and support you need to make lasting changes in your family.
References
Hoyniak CP, Bates JE, Staples AD, Rudsaill KM, Molfese DL, Molfese VJ. Child sleep and socioeconomic context in the development of cognitive abilities in early childhood. Child Development. 2019; 90: 1718-1737.