The Problem is - you are too good of a parent
I’ll admit, that’s a bit of a clickbait title. And yet, I mean it. Because most of the parents I work with have been in this scenario:
You have curated a pretty-near-perfect day
Your child has had a proper night's rest
You’ve provided regular balanced meals and snacks
You’ve engaged in quality 1:1 time and play
You’ve offered age-appropriate choices
You’ve ensured your child has had adequate movement and outside time
And yet…
When you peeled the banana / cut the sandwich / offered the wrong cup / set up the exact activity they asked for…
It’s an explosion of either hits, kicks, scratching, screaming, yelling, creative insults or whatever particular aggressive behaviour your child leans towards. (throwing was a popular one at our house)
And it’s not just a minute or two. It drags on way past what you expect, half an hour, an hour, maybe more.
Why is this happening?
Truthfully - there are likely a variety of reasons. But I’m going to focus on the one that we rarely talk about: you are doing too good of a job! You are so accommodating you are essentially creating a frictionless experience. Your child is like a car, fueled up with emotion, with no brakes.
If we want to get back on track it means accepting that until our kids mature we need to function as those ‘brakes’. Follow me with this driving metaphor a little longer - it means parents need to be in the driver's seat. And we need kids safely buckled into the backseat confident that you’ve got this! When we are so accommodating we accidentally send the message we don’t know what we are doing and suddenly our kids turn into demanding, difficult and often anxious backseat drivers.
When you look at it this way you start to realize, it matters much less WHAT you do (ie. the list of that ‘perfect day’) and much more WHO you are to your child. (I know a checklist would be so so much easier.) But I still have some solid tips on how you can seize the driver's seat with confidence.
Stay in your lane
Gentle parenting is great for so many reasons but it can really blur the roles of the parent and the child. So remind yourself that 1. It’s not your job to make your child happy 2. It’s normal and necessary for young children to regularly express big emotions 3. Good parenting does not always equal “good behaviour”
2. Read the need and take the lead
Remember your child is the expert of what they want. You are the expert of what they need. For example: They want to stay late at the park, but you know if you don’t leave now, they will be too hungry and tired to walk home. Rather than giving them 5 more minutes, you stay firm and use that 5 minutes for them to express their frustration if necessary.
3. Tone matters more than words
Worry less about what to say and focus more on how you say it!
Kids read tone VERY well and if you seem hesitant about a boundary they will not respect it. Gentle parenting does not mean always speaking in a soft voice! Find that firm tone. You have to figure out how to embody your version of a strong and kind leader.
4. Use the breaks regularly
Focus on regular emotional expression throughout the day
For young kids we can expect regular tears and tantrums throughout the day. If we manage to avoid upset all day, it usually makes for a tough bedtime or a much bigger meltdown later
A good sign of emotional health is hearing your child say, I’m sad or scared and regularly having sad tears. *If they are not expressing sadness this will result in a lot of built-up frustration and a child who is a mix of explosive, defiant and anxious.
It’s so easy to fall into this pattern of over-accommodating your child - we all want to be good parents and see our kids happy. So if you’re walking on eggshells waiting for the next explosion, the good news is we have so much opportunity to shift our relationships in a positive way.
So here is your invitation to be a little less of a ‘good parent’. I hope you’ll give my insights a test drive. ;)
PS. I hope all the driving metaphors didn’t drive you crazy.