How to help your child cry
How to use the power of sad tears to resolve your child’s defiant and challenging behaviour.
Yes, you read that right! This article is all about making your child cry.
If we’ve ever worked together, heck, if we’ve stood in line long enough at the grocery store, I’ve likely mentioned the importance and transformative impact of a good sad cry. And while this article is not about the ‘why’, I’ll give you the TLDR.
When we have sad tears (not mad tears, all parents know the difference!) …
We ACCEPT what we cannot change.
When we accept we ADAPT to our circumstances
When we adapt we GROW & MATURE
Sad tears are important to everyone but crucial to a child who is going through an intense and rapid period of development.
Okay back to the practical: How to help your child find their sad tears
When I work with parents I always ask how often their child cries sad tears. And almost always they look off into the distance and admit they don’t recall or admit it’s a rare occurrence. Kids get really difficult to parent when they don’t express their sadness regularly.
A natural question is, how do I help my child cry?
And here is how you do it!
How to help your child find their sad tears (tears of futility)
First imagine your child is really mad about something (easy to do, I know). Maybe they are having mad tears or perhaps they are having a tantrum.
Reflect back the emotion they are feeling. For example: “The didn’t work” “The was scary” or “It was hard to be apart”
Match the emotion with your tone. Let them hear that you get it! You’re not fueling the fire, you’re helping them feel seen.
Move subtly toward sadness. Allow a tinge of sadness in your voice as you offer a simple, “this is hard” or “it isn’t what you wanted” *This is really the turning point
SILENCE (bite your tongue, take 10 deep breaths, whatever you need to do!)
When your child starts to cry: DON’T ASK WHY
If your child gives a reason, don’t minimize it! Sometimes the tears over the broken cookie are actually about an ocean of tears they need to cry and they can’t articulate all the reasons.
When the tears start: SIT QUIETLY. Trust this won’t last forever and resist the urge to cheer up or problem-solve. (THE TEARS ARE THE SOLUTION!)
Give lots of space! Sometimes tears can go on much longer than we expect especially if they have been absent for awhile or they’ve been through a challenging experience.
Now remember, while this list is handy, it will not work every time!
Every time your child gets mad, see it as an opportunity to practice these steps. Sometimes the tears will flow, other times they will escalate and you will have to let it go.
The goal is NOT 100% success!
The goal is to simply give your child the opportunity to cry.
So grab your Kleenex box and start practicing!
*credit to the Neufeld Institute for the mad to sad model and the importance of tears of futility.