The First Step to a Cooperative Child
Why don’t my kids listen?
My kids don’t listen to me; this may be the most common complaint of parents.
Okay to be clear, when we say ‘not listening’, we really mean ‘not doing what I say’. And that has a different flavour, so it’s important to distinguish. So, why isn’t your child doing what you say? Truthfully, there are a lot of variables, so for now we are going to aim for the low hanging fruit, the logistics. I’ll start with an example. Allow me to set the scene…
It’s 8:15AM, the precarious turning point from being just on time and late. My 3 year old is deeply engrossed in an elaborate imaginary Paw Patrol rescue when I call from the other room “okay, time to get ready for daycare!” (don’t worry, I gave a similar warning 3 times earlier!)
This yields ZERO response. No one is surprised. And yet we do it all the time. Our kids do hear us, then choose to ignore our commands and everyone starts feeling a little frustrated.
The easiest change to make is simply,
Be in the same room, ideally within arms reach
Make eye contact before any resembling a direction leaves your mouth.
This alone will likely change the feel of the whole exchange. Chances are once you’re close enough, you’ll get roped into helping rescue Skye from the avalanche and from here you’ll likely exercise your parenting finesse to transition that rescue into a daring escape from an even bigger avalanche (hey, who has that much imagination in the morning) which requires special winter gear (aka coat and boots). And voila, you have a cooperative child.
You may be familiar with the phrase ‘connect before you direct.’ I first came across this when reading Rest Play Grow by Deborah MacNamara and then learned even more about this studying with Dr. Gordon Neufeld. I love this because while the concept goes much deeper, it’s also completely simple - before you ask your child to do something, first make sure you are connected. What does connection look like for your family? For me it means get down on their level, share a moment in their world before I ask them to follow me into mine.