What I learned from my daughter’s all day emotional explosion
Last week was a big week and sharpened my understanding of what it takes to cultivate resilience. After over a year of generally being at home my daughter did a full week of day camp. For my sensitive introvert, this was a big deal! Here’s the good news - she ended up loving it. Pick ups and drop offs were smooth and by Wednesday she asked if she could do more than one week. But there is more to this story.
Saturday morning I suggested to my husband that we should take it easy as our daughter would likely be a little out of sorts after a very busy week. This turned out to be a severe underestimate. Here is what her recovery day looked like:
For the entire morning she wept. She sobbed over a dead potato bug. Cried as she mourned our old dish brush that broke. She cried over a piece of chocolate. Cried when her sister wouldn’t hug her. Cried when her sister hugged her. You get the picture. Through it all we comforted her and did our best to welcome her feelings.
When the crying subsided there was about an hour of extreme loveliness and cooperation. She was bursting with pleases, thank yous, I love yous, hugs and helpfulness.
For the afternoon she was a ticking time bomb and her sole purpose was to pick a fight with her little sister - which she was very successful at! She yelled, hit and kicked. Through it all we did our best to validate her feelings while keeping everyone safe and reminding her it’s not okay to hurt.
By dinner time I was completely drained. While out of sight, I laid my head down on the table and waffled between falling asleep and having a cry myself.
Thankfully Sunday she was back to herself (and normal amounts of crying and yelling). ;)
So what is the point of this story? The word resilience is used a lot, we frequently hear the phrase, ‘kids are resilient’. And I can see why; despite the fact that she was nervous about camp, likely very overwhelmed by all the new experiences, missing her family and navigating all this with teachers who she didn’t really know (although they were lovely!) she still managed to have a great time. But the fact is, while she was there, she didn’t actually deal with any of those feelings I just listed. Camp was great, but it wasn’t a place to share vulnerable feelings. So she blocked them out until it was safe and boom - we got a Saturday explosion of emotions.
Now what if Saturday came and she didn’t let all those feelings out? What if she cried over the dish brush we told her she was being silly and tried to cheer her up. What if when she kept fighting with her sister we sent her to her room until she calmed down? All those big feelings would still be trapped inside. Our emotions are meant to move us and when they get stuck, things go off the rails. We can see increased aggression, defiance, bossiness, separation anxiety, sleep disruptions and I could go on.
It would be easy to see the good week at camp as the success and the Saturday explosion of emotions as the failure. In the past I have certainly felt this way. The truth is we need both. Resilience is the capacity to return to optimal functioning after stress. The week apart, while fun, was also stressful. In order to return to optimal functioning she needed a safe and supportive space to express her emotions and coregulate. The combined experience teaches her she is capable of doing hard things.
So take heart if your child falls apart completely after an impressive display of good behaviour. By being their anchor through their storm of emotions you are fostering their resilience, an endeavour well worth the effort!