Your Parenting Approach is Doing More Harm Than Good
I remember the first time I heard the term ‘conscious parent’
What is that? Is it good or bad?
I knew helicopter parenting was bad, along with snowplow parenting.
Attachment parenting was…very polarizing.
Gentle parenting was the new kid in town, vague but cool.
Fast forward 7 years and I’m well versed in the merits and pitfalls of all the popular parenting approaches. And there are a lot.
Now I’ve become highly skeptical of approaches and wary of anything labelled parenting advice in general. While their books, blogs, podcasts and social media accounts feel like every answer you’ve been waiting for - I’d argue their patented approach often does more harm than good.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed and discouraged in a world where it seems everyone has this parenting thing figured out, have a read, and be reminded you’re doing better than you think.
One size does not fit all when it comes to parenting advice
Generic parenting advice fails to account for the unique temperament of each child. Anyone with more than one child will tell you that what works for one child won’t necessarily work for another. If you have a highly sensitive child or a neurodiverse child, it’s unlikely your experience has been considered.
We all have unique circumstances. The expert advice doesn’t distinguish if you are a single parent of two under two or partnered with reliable childcare and a helpful extended family.
We don’t come into parenting with the same resources. Take the standard advice to step away and take a deep breath when you’re losing your cool. For some parents, a deep breath may be enough. For others, it may be a long road of inner work and reparenting before they develop the skills to stay calm in the face of an out-of-control 3-year-old.
For example: Gentle parenting will tell you to never leave your child alone with their big feelings, instead offering them a hug. For some children, physical contact will actually escalate their meltdown.
Parenting approaches substitute curiosity for a checklist
Parenting is reduced to a checklist, giving simplistic guidance on when and how a child should eat/sleep/behave. When parenting really involves a complex, dynamic relationship - there is nothing simple about it.
We stop listening to our own intuition and instead turn to experts. This leaves us constantly searching for advice and validation.
For example: The pressure to achieve the perfect sleep schedule may mean cause parents to miss underlying health concerns or learn about the unique temperament of their child.
Simplified parenting advice fuels perfectionism rather than relationship
We place the focus on immediate outcomes and behaviour often at the expense of long-term relationships. When it doesn’t work we are quick to blame ourselves for not doing it right or we might start to believe our child is ‘broken’.
We may push practices that actually aren’t a good fit for our child because we fear doing it wrong or making a mistake. We may become more rigid and inflexible, creating new problems.
For example: You may have the rule of no screentime after dinner. You’ve had a rough day and are beyond your capacity without any help. You try to muscle through the evening but end up losing your temper and yelling.
Let’s talk about the specific instance when a parenting approach can be helpful
Parenting is a skill and the truth is most of us start our journey with little experience or knowledge. Finding a resource that resonates with you can be a great starting point. Think of it like training wheels as you build up your muscle memory. (If you’re curious about which parenting books I recommend, head here)
Parenting approaches and advice should enhance your intuition rather than replace it.
When we consume parenting advice we have to think critically. I always remind myself of these three points:
NOTHING works 100% of the time
What works for one child won’t necessarily work for another
We will get it wrong more often than we will get it right (seriously) so practice self-compassion
So the next time you get that targeted ad, promising to banish tantrums (insert eye roll), or you see that shiny new parenting book on the bestsellers list, give yourself permission to walk on by or consume critically.
You are the expert of your child and you’re doing a great job.
If your confidence has taken a beating and you’re in a tricky period - consider 1:1 coaching. By making sense of your unique child and family we can move beyond bandaid solutions and come up with a plan to build your relationship and ignite your intuition. Get started here.