Supporting Your Sensitive Child Through the Holidays
I had a great time hosting my IG live on this topic and wanted to recap it here! *But if you prefer video you can watch the replay here*
It’s the holiday season and with some pandemic restrictions lifting, we are seeing the return of some events and gatherings - which is exciting but also a new experience for a lot of young families to navigate. We would all like to have a little fun, stay safe and hopefully not have too many public meltdowns (kids or parents ;)
I covered a few concepts that have the potential to shift your holidays from frazzled to feel-good.
I’ll cover shyness as well as brazen shyness
how we act as a buffer for our child
the importance of honouring our capacity
the importance of co-regulation.
Let’s start with a story!
This past weekend we were all looking forward to attending the city tree lighting - but I was caught off guard after breakfast when my 3-year-old started asking when the party was. I realized she was referring to the tree lighting and explained that wasn’t happening until after dinner when it got dark. She burst into tears, “I can’t wait that long” she wailed. I realized we weren’t clear on what to expect so I got down at eye level and we talked through what the event was (live music, lights, no presents - but hot chocolate!) and when it was happening (once it starts getting dark).
Finally, the event arrived, she was thrilled with the hot chocolate but instead of singing and dancing along to Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer like her sister, she stood there frozen with a concerned look on her face. When I started to sing or dance she emphatically told me to stop. Why did my daughter seem so upset when we were finally doing the thing she was so excited about?
She was feeling shy. And this can be hard - we want our kids to enjoy themselves. E loves singing and dancing and I want everyone to see her wonderful personality. But she was outside her comfort zone and singing and dancing is a vulnerable activity. It is normal and healthy for our children to be shy around those they are not attached to. When our children struggle to say ‘hello’ or ‘thank you’ for a gift we may worry about their manners and that our parenting will be judged. Society generally expects children to be happy, outgoing and carefree and assumes something is wrong if a child prefers to quietly observe rather than participate.
Other times our children exhibit brazen shyness - rather than quietly withdrawing they loudly push away. When guests come they shout ‘go away’ or at the opportunity to see Santa they should ‘I hate you.’ These moments can be horrifying as parents and make us want to melt away like Frosty on a summer day. Resist the impulse to label this behaviour as rude and see it for what it is - our children defensively pushing away when they are feeling alarmed.
So what do we do when our kids are acting like normal kids - but to the rest of the world may appear ‘badly behaved’?
We act as their buffer! Rather than adding to the pressure to participate or be nice we step in between and fill in for their developmental gaps. Have a few phrases ready,
For shyness…
“Hello Aunt Wendy, Sarah has been looking forward to today and seeing you! She’s feeling shy right now but perhaps later she will be ready for a hug.”
For brazen shyness…
“Hello Uncle Tim, I’m sorry Ethan shouted - it’s a big change having guests. I know he is excited to see you just needs a little more time.”
With older children, you can also use scripting to prepare them for routines they aren’t familiar with yet. For example, letting them know that after they open a present they should look at the person who gave it to them and say ‘thank you.’ And even practice this beforehand - kids love playing presents!
And finally, be ready to move your child out of a situation if it’s become too much for them and a meltdown is imminent or in progress. Change the environment with a short walk or play outside, a trip to the bathroom to wash hands, or bring a book into another room for a story and snuggle. Our kids easily get overtired and overstimulated by changes in their routines and they need lots of support from us to pace them through.
So knowing how much our children need from us it’s important to highlight our capacity. You need to start with what you can realistically manage. If additional outings and events are a priority - what else can be taken off your plate? Remember the holidays don’t make you magic! If a regular Saturday is already a lot and now you need to get the whole family out the door looking Christmas card ready with a dessert that serves 10 - somethings got to give.
Resist the urge to just push through and practice self-compassion. Remember we communicate nervous system to nervous system. We sense when our partner or children are off - and they do the same. So it really is a gift to everyone when you take your needs into account. For example, I’m okay with letting my kids pick their own clothes rather than having a possible battle over a special outfit. I make a point of taking the time to get myself ready so I can show up feeling comfortable. And regular family sing-alongs to ‘Let It Go’ have been hugely successful - Elsa helps me remember, store-bought cookies are more than fine!
I hope these insights help you and your family have more laughter and less stress this holiday. I’m rooting for you!
All the best,
Heather
If you need help enjoying the holidays - book a free intro call! The right insight and strategy can have an incredible impact! Let’s chat.