A reminder that good parenting does not equal good behaviour

“It is important however to REST from outcome, as it is the conditions-that-are-conducive-to-growth that we are meant to provide.” 

Dr. Gordon Neufeld, Intensive III

The other day I found myself crying over and over during a reality baking show. 

The past week my 6-year-old has been quite prickly. She’s picking fights with her sister. She’s been less cooperative and easily combative. Getting ready for bed, getting ready for school or leaving the house anytime, has become quite fraught. I’ve been doing ‘all the things’ reducing separation, quality playtime, welcoming feelings, holding boundaries, controlling the environment etc. But not much has changed. 

One moment I’m putting every parenting practice to the test - the next I’m swallowing my urge to yell and closing cupboards with a bit too much emphasis. I had run out of empathy.

The only thing I hadn’t done, is cry. And if you’ve stuck around long enough - you know I’m big on tears. I’m passionate about the importance of tears and the necessity for our children to cry over what they cannot change. With tears comes acceptance and the adaptation needed to mature into the responsible adults we hope for. 

But tears were the last thing on my mind. It’s a vulnerable thing, to admit that all our hard work might not yield a result that’s celebrated or even accepted in our culture. We live in a results-driven, productivity obsessed and transactional society. Even though I know that being a ‘good parent’ doesn’t mean my child will have ‘good behaviour’ I often forget. 

I recently worked with a family struggling with their 4-year-old's long bedtime. I listened to them contemplate a big shift in their schedule. I gently pointed out, that they could do all that work but it may not change bedtime. I felt like a Debbie Downer raining on their parade. But what they actually experienced was a sense of relief, that they weren’t missing some crucial step. It’s not fun putting your child to bed, anxiously watching the clock and second-guessing your choices. Once they ‘found their tears’ and surrendered to the process, bedtime became more enjoyable and it did have a positive impact on their child’s overall behaviour. 

It’s easy to forget our role as parents; to provide the conditions and then let our children do the growing. That looks like; extending a warm and generous connection, time to play, time to cry and taking responsibility to repair the inevitable ruptures in our relationship. 

It’s hard to remember in the thick of day-to-day parenting little ones. And so I watched people on TV celebrate milestones with extravagant desserts and cried. And suddenly I felt a softening. I touched the edges of my vulnerabilities and cried over all the things I could not change; I cannot control my child, I can’t make her happy, that parenting is challenging and that life often feels harder than it should.

And after the tears, it felt a little easier. I was reminded of all the beauty; how incredible it is to watch my children grow, how proud I feel to be their mom and what a gift it all is. 

We can’t grow them up but we can grow alongside our children - with many tears along the way.