Emily piped up from the backseat,

“Tell the story, Mama, of how your ‘bornd’ me”

I smiled at her in the rearview mirror and recounted her birth story on the way to daycare. I made it through two times before parking, and if the drive was longer it would have been three. As I unbuckled her she wistfully remarked,

“I wish I was still a baby” 

Yesterday she sat on my lap, curled up in a ball and told me she was a baby in my tummy. She then wiggled around, signalling it was time to be born and slid down my legs. I scooped her up and she snuggled into my arms. She does this over and over.

At 3.5 years old Emily is standing at a precipice - wobbling between feeling big and feeling small. At times she delights in her ability to reach the light switch or fold laundry. Other times it’s all a bit alarming. She asks to be carried or needs to sleep on my pillow squished right up against me so ‘I can feel her love’ (Which is sweet - but also, I feel like I’m literally going to fall off the bed if I move an inch)

I’m grateful for this glimpse inside her mind and heart. It’s easy to forget the big concepts and changes children are grappling with. Emily is still in the very early stages of discovering her own identity, separate from me, a journey both thrilling and terrifying. For every step into separateness she explores, I witness a small explosion of connection needs. I’m reminded of being a teen and lamenting, ‘I don’t know who I am!’ and how disconcerting it was. And while I’m fairly certain of my general identity these days, there are still times I wobble and lean on my family and friends for much-needed support.

I did ask Emily,

“why do you want to be a baby?” 

and her reply,

“because you get so much love.” 

And she’s not wrong. We all ache at times for those moments of pure dependence, to be loved for simply being. And so I think of my little three-year-old, trying to figure out who she is and how the world works and I think, yeah, I could probably hold you a little more, expect a little less and be a bit more patient. I’ll even offer up half my pillow some nights, just so you can feel my love.