It had been an epic 45-minute tantrum. At its worst, I thought she might succeed in ripping the baby gate off the wall. Hard to believe as I gazed down at the diminutive two-year-old lying before me, peacefully zoning out to Paw Patrol. Should I make a doctor's appointment? This didn’t seem normal. 

This wasn’t always the case, but since her sister was born a few months earlier, since we then moved to a new city and started a new daycare - things had been escalating. The meltdowns left us all drained, frustrated and well, sad. Why was my daughter so angry and how did parenting get so hard? Something didn’t make sense and I was determined to figure it out. 

I started to read and sift through the barrage of advice and approaches out there for parents. Most of it was semi-helpful at best and more often than not my reality did not play out like the examples in the books. Then everything shifted when I read, Rest Play Grow by Deborah MacNamara and was introduced to the concept of highly sensitive or ‘orchid kids’.

“Some kids are more stirred up by the world around them through their sensory systems. They have an enhanced sensorium meaning the sensory signals can be heightened to varying degrees. Sensory overload is common with some sounds being too loud, smells being too powerful, or even touch or tags too much to handle. They can have heightened reactions and emotions, and are often intense and passionate in how they express themself. 

The number of sensitive kids in North America is estimated to be 15-20%”

• Deborah MacNamara

When I viewed my daughter through the lens of being highly sensitive, things started to make sense. Simple but life-changing things, like I now understood her extreme resistance to getting in the car - she has a very sensitive nose and hated the smell. She wasn’t trying to be difficult, but to her sensory system, the smell was overwhelming. We became thoughtful and creative with airing out the car, essential oils, more patience and less pressure and it went from awful to manageable. I have dozens of stories like this. 

I felt a huge weight off my shoulders, my daughter was not a bad kid, and I was not failing as a parent. Yes, there are great challenges in raising a highly sensitive child but there are also great gifts. 

If this has resonated with you, read on and I will give you a quick rundown on what to expect when cultivating an orchid from the challenges, the gifts and how to parent.

Challenges 

• Intense reactions,

  • while tantrums and meltdowns are normal, they may last longer, happen more frequently and be more intense with highly sensitive

• Transitions are difficult 

  • Leaving the house, coming to the table, getting ready for bed, and getting out of bed may be a long challenging process. 

  • Focused attention and support from a caregiver is often needed to move them from one activity to the next

• Resistant

  • Often slow to warm up, you will need to work harder to earn a connection as they ‘don’t suffer fools gladly’

  • Will not easily follow direction

• Perceptive 

  • Distracted or waylaid by small details

  • Emotionally perceptive, they may notice any shift in your mood and react 

Gifts of sensitivity 

• Perceptiveness or ‘natural brightness’

  • Great eye for detail, patterns and small changes. Often accompanied by a great memory

• Care deeply

  • Capable of great empathy as they mature

  • Easily moved by art, stories, nature, kindness etc.

• Discerning

  • Selective of who they will follow with high expectations of their attachments

  • Less likely to succumb to peer pressure

  • Leaves space for their own ideas and identity to emerge

• Creative problem solvers

  • With their added perception they can come up with novel solutions

How to parent a highly sensitive child

• Get curious

  • Develop a deep understanding of your child’s unique sensitivities 

  • After difficult moments, reflect on what led up to this moment. We have the most impact when we focus on the before and less on the after.  

• Strong caring adult relationships 

  • Take the lead in building a strong relationship. Let your child know they are not, ‘too much’ for us to handle

  • Avoid separation-based discipline ie. time outs, 1-2-3 magic, consequences etc which would damage the connection

• Know when to protect and when to push

  • Set reasonable expectations and aim to control the environment rather than your child

  • Look for gentle ways to increase exposure

• Welcome emotions & tears

  • Lots of laughter and lots of tears

  • Laughter and tears discharge strong emotions and help children regulate their emotions

It’s hard to believe it’s been 4 years since that epic meltdown. I can say with certainty, having a highly sensitive child has made me a better parent. It has inspried me to do a lot of learning, reflection and growth. I still find parenting challenging, but I no longer feel lost. And when parenting makes sense, you can appreciate the journey, meltdowns and all. 

Where are you on the journey of parenting a highly sensitive child: got it down, stumbling through or in need of a lifeline? I can help you make sense of your child’s sensitivities and get you on the path to a close and connected relationship! Start by booking a free intro call.