Bad habits - that’s the fear lurking in the back of parents’ minds when putting their kids to bed. The message that we must teach our children to be independent sleepers or suffer the consequences is a hard one to ignore, especially when it’s all around us and we are so very tired. 

That advice (and guilt) is pretty useless when you’ve just had a new baby and your toddler is now sleeping worse than your newborn. Or you’ve just moved and your 3-year-old is scared of their new room. Or after a separation, your 4-year-old is determined to cosleep. 

For us, it has been our 3-year-old starting daycare. It’s not surprising. The time apart means E is craving more connection from me at home and has a lot of big feelings to process about the separation. She’s clingy, whiny and having a lot more outbursts. It’s harder to get her to sleep and she’s waking more in the night. But where it really took a turn for the worse is when she began napping (for context she hasn’t napped in over a year). I see it as a good sign that she’s comfortable enough at daycare to sleep, however, that nap has a hefty price tag - pushing her bedtime back by 3 hours! Thankfully the daycare is happy to work with us on capping the nap or having quiet time instead. But in the meantime, I’ve been trying to make peace with this extended bedtime. 

Usually, we have E start the night in her room. Like most parents, we treasure a little freedom before bed. But one night I was so tired and frustrated - I let it go, scooped her up and brought her to my room. Instantly she was calmer and all the tension of bedtime had evaporated. Gone was all the effort to keep me close and her alarm I was about to leave. We laid down and she said, ‘hold my hand, Mommy.’ So I lay there, holding her hand, looking at her sweet little face, and before I closed my eyes I thought, ‘this moment is perfect’. And then we both fell asleep. 

Some parents might think, ‘You can’t give in!’ or ‘But now she’s going to expect that every night.’ I completely relate, I’ve often felt that way and sometimes sticking to a routine is the right decision. But in this case, it didn’t feel like a failure at all. It felt like the most real and beautiful moment - of being there for my daughter exactly how she needed me. 

The next night she slept in her room as normal. And I’m sure there will be another night where she falls asleep in mine. I’ve learned not to be afraid to go back to the beginning and trust offering the support that’s needed, even when it upends all your very necessary routines. Sleep is not linear. Supporting your child’s sleep is not a bad habit. 

Some days we need to hold firmly to boundaries and welcome all the big emotions that come along with it. Other days we need to throw those boundaries out the window. How do we know which is the right choice? I have no checklist or 5 point plan for your to follow. 

All we can do is remain curious and try. 

Every day. Remain curious and try.

If you’re going through a tricky patch of sleep or behaviour in your home and would like to be supported - reach out, book a free intro call. I can help you get to the root of your challenge and work with you to uncover the insights and strategies you need to succeed!