How connection (and not consequences) is the key to a better bedtime

Three years ago, my daughter moved out of our crib and our bedtime routine turned upside down. Suddenly she needed me specifically to lie down with her until she fell asleep. While I was happy to do this, I also had a baby in need of my attention and both my husband and I wanted more flexibility with our evening. 

Popular parenting advice would say what was needed was a reward chart, a consequence or even to sleep train. I’ve heard terrible advice ranging from locking the door to taking away a beloved stuffie. But I knew none of these tools would address the root issue and would also damage our relationship. I had to find a way to help my daughter hold onto me even when apart so bedtime wouldn’t feel so alarming. Instead of trying to control her behaviour we needed to focus our efforts on how we could better meet her needs. 

So we got creative, experimenting with way to help my daughter feel more connected to me at bedtime. We put a family photo next to her bed and I offered her my childhood teddy bear. We read, The Invisible String and together imagined our own magical string. While these helped, our bedtime routine hadn’t budged. 

Then we tried bedtime love notes. As a crafter, I was happy to turn this into a project. I sewed together a pink felt heart and embroidered her first initial to the front in purple. I presented the heart to my daughter and let her know that I’d be back later, after she fell asleep to deliver her heart, with a love note from me, to find under her pillow in the morning. 

Success! This experiment clicked and now she was now falling asleep more quickly and easily and was flexible to have either my husband or myself staying with her. Knowing I was coming back and she had something to look forward to in the morning created a bridge from goodnight until good morning. This gesture made my daughter feel seen and special. It was a physical representation of my love and my efforts to hold onto her, leaving her safe to rest.

Every night I would write a new version of the same sentiments; a reason I loved her, something good about our day and something I was looking forward to tomorrow. And I’d do a little doodle on the other side, a drawing of a favourite animal or stick figure depictions of our adventures together. In the morning we’d read it together.

It soon became apparent this ritual was just as valuable to me. The few moments I spent each evening, reflecting on our day and the memories I treasured, filled me up as well. Like a shared gratitude journal I was reminded of the best parts of parenting. 

My daughter has saved all her notes in a big jar in her room. Every once in a while, when she is sad or perhaps just bored, she pulls them out and finds her favourites - a drawing of the caterpillar she loved or the pie we baked together. 

It’s been 3 years since we started this tradition and while at times it’s fallen by the wayside, we always find our way back. Sometimes she brings me her heart, letting me know she could use a little extra love. Other times it’s the perfect tool to support us through a rough transition, like starting school. The beautiful part of adding in connection is there is no risk, there is only benefit. We don’t need a peer-reviewed study or in-depth debate to confirm that helping our children feel loved is a win/win.

If you’re looking to add more connection to your bedtime routine - give this a whirl. It doesn’t need to be fancy, a simple folded piece of paper will do the job. Or if a felt heart is just the mix of motivation and magic to get you started, I’ve got you covered! Pop over here to submit your order.

Heather

Bedtime Love Notes

• handmade by me with love

• Made from 100% wool hand-dyed felt

• Available in tan & yellow, with gold embroidery

• $25, includes personalization, notepad & pen

• local pick up in Guelph or $5 for delivery

Order here or email me with your questions (info @ heathersande.com)